Had just one of the many get-rich-quick e-mail offers I've received since Jan. 1 been legitimate, it would have been a profitable first quarter.

But none was.

They never are.

Here's a sampling of the latest scams that crooks are using to enrich themselves at the expense of their victims.

Let's start with "David T," an alleged chief operating officer for a British bank. He said I have the same last name of a recently deceased bank customer who left about $50 million. He wants me to pose as "the bona-fide next of kin to the 'decease.'[sic]"

If I agreed, we would split the estate -- $25 million each. All I had to do was reply to his e-mail and he would provide more details. Then, of course, he'd want some details from me, such as bank account information he would use to drain my account.

No thanks.

I received an e-mail from "John H.," a self-described London barrister. He said he represented the estate of "E.J. Gold." He said the dearly departed Mr. Gold left me $25.5 million in his will.

"This may sound unbelievable to you, [he was right about that] but it is true," he wrote. "He must have been in contact with you in the past [no, he wasn't] or you were recommended to him by one of his numerous friends who wished you good. Get back to me immediately."

No, I won't.

"Lori S.," who said she was acting on behalf of Gustavus M, got right to the point. She wanted my help for the "urgent transfer" of $6.5 million into my account. She didn't say why I had been selected to receive this largesse. She asked me to respond to her personal e-mail address for more information.

Sure.

"Linda H." said I won an ATM card valued at $6.8 million. She said I'd receive it as soon as I provided my name, address, telephone number, age, sex, country, ZIP code and occupation."

Don't wait up, Ms. H.

"Dmitry Y." said he came across my name in his "earnest search for a trustworthy and honest person to handle a transaction" of $6 million. He apologized "if the content of the e-mail or method of approach were contrary to your moral ethics."

They were.

Apology not accepted.

"Jennifer W." said she worked for the "Euro Lottery" and offered to help me win $6 million -- if I kicked back $1,250,000 to her. "Due to my position in the company, I can make that happen that you would be a winner of the above stated amount.

"Should you be willing to assist me in this transaction, please do respond to my private mail or call phone below."

No, I'm not willing.

Thousands of Americans have been bilked out of billions of dollars by scams that originated in Nigeria more than a decade ago. The latest scam is presented as an "apology" to those who lost money, and it's accompanied by a promise to pay $1 million to each victim.

The victims are warned not to tell anyone about their good fortune because the U.S. Secret Service and its European counterparts "are working day and night to track these criminals down."

After deploring the dirty tricks used by the Nigerian scam artists, the e-mail said the "victims" will be reimbursed for their losses -- if they provide critical account information and send it to the thieves by certified bank draft or wire transfer. The crooks then will use that information to raid their accounts.

Local, regional, state and national law enforcement officials warn consumers not to disclose any personal information in an e-mail or during phone calls.

Their response to get-rich-quick schemes?

Delete them.

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