As I write this column, I have a bead of sweat dripping down my nose. It's working its way to the tip of my nose, where it will slowly drip off and land on my desk. It's annoying, but reaching up to wipe my face would just take more energy, which in turn would get me sweatier, if that is even possible.

Our house doesn't have central air conditioning. We do have window units in the bedrooms, but our ground floor is completely at the mercy of the elements. And when we have a heat wave like the one that has been hovering over much of the country this summer, our ground floor is like a sauna. In the living room, the kids spread across the furniture, gasping for air like juvenile heart attack victims, and in the kitchen, turning on the oven, even for a few minutes, could make you dangerously disoriented. Last week, I went to the beer store. The big cooler in the back was so refreshing and I hung around so long, the guy at the checkout desk came back to make sure I wasn't chugging his inventory.

The humidity is bad enough that last night I went to snack on a graham cracker, and it was so soggy I wadded it up into a meatball shape before eating it. And the dog was so miserable we took him to the pet store this week and had them give him a crew cut from nose to tail. On the bad side, he no longer looks like a Westie. On the good side, he might live through August.

I had taken to going out in the car, volunteering to run family errands, but then the air conditioner in our car decided that it would only run cool air for 10 minutes at a time before shutting off, turning our car into a rolling convection oven. The repairman said it's a faulty, and expensive, A/C compressor clutch, but I'm pretty sure it was just Summer 2010 giving me one more kick to make sure I don't get up.

It's not just us, I know. The weather guys at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reported earlier this summer that June 2010 was officially the hottest June on record. Then, a few days ago, they stepped outside their air conditioned NOAA HQ and reported that they'd scientifically and mathematically determined that this July was the hottest July on record. I'd never heard of NOAA before, but I'm going to find out where they are. I'm waiting until the end of August, and when their spokesperson steps outside and announces that August was another record breaker, I'm going to be there to say, as loud as I can, "DUH!!!"

I know that scientists can show you reams of persuasive data saying that summers are going to get hotter and hotter every year, until our great-grandchildren will walk around so dehydrated and tanned that they resemble life-sized Slim Jims. They blame global warming. It might not be fair, but I personally blame the TV weathermen. They stand there smugly in air-conditioned TV studios in wool blazers, clicker in hand, in front of green screens, knowing that we're hanging on every word, waiting for relief. They say sympathetic stuff like "Boy, it's gonna be uncomfortable throughout the five-day forecast!" but you can tell they don't mean it. They're shaking their heads sadly, but they're still smiling.

And fairly often, they lead you on with false hope. I can't tell you how many times this summer I've heard a chipper "... but the good news is that we should see a break in this front by Wednesday ...," only to find that the cool front somehow stalled over Canada and dissipated, and Wednesday is just as steamy, if not steamier, than Tuesday. (In addition to weathermen, I am highly suspicious that the Canadians are somehow hogging all that cool air. If so, they better knock it off.)

My only option, then, is to do a "Brian Wilson" and go up to my bedroom, lock the door, and wait till summer's over. I'm bringing up a supply of food and cold beer, and I'm not going to come out till I hear the weatherman on TV say things such as "crisp," "cool" or even "you'd better bundle up this morning!" Then, and only then, will I snap off my window A/C unit and step outdoors.

And the heat will be off in another way, too. I'll have the entire winter to fill out my application for Canadian citizenship.

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